AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Still at it... I swear, my brain's been bugging me to write this for months. The following fanfic is a sequel to "Power's Price" and "Nightfall on Irk One", and has hopefully captured the spirit of Red and Purple more accurately than either of the previous two did. Also, as of this revision (April 7, 2002), it has been rewritten so that the other two fics no longer have to be read to understand my theory of the Tallests' anatomy. It’s also got the added element that the Tallest actually still act like their jerk selves! ...I'm not saying I believe the sexual events found in this fic to be canon, but I'm still going to try my best to make Red and Purple as in-character as I can nonetheless.

Like it or not, this is a lemon (i.e., it's got sweaty-snugglebunnies-type stuff in it), and between supposedly male characters at that. If you like that sort of thing, read on and enjoy. If you don't, then I respect your decision not to read it, as do I expect that you won't proceed to read it anyway just so you can flame me.

Now for legal stuff. (Yadda yadda.) I don't own any of the Invader Zim characters; these brainchildren of The Almighty Thinnest, Mr. Vasquez, are being used without permission. I thank Mr. V (and Nickelodeon/Viacom, whom I suppose I would have more fear of a lawsuit from) in advance for not suing me, should they happen across this 'fic. As a related note: If you are reading this, Jhonen, I hope I've done my best to induce laughs instead of ill-belliness. Best wishes for the absence of the latter beyond Nickelodeon's doors-- my praise (as well as my supply of cyberBrainfreezies and "Monev the Gale" figures) is ever yours.

And a final note before the fic starts: Ultra kudos to both Lacey, who let me add in a cameo of her fancharacter Tric in here (as well as being an all-around spiffy gal to know) and to Tallest Czar, who originated the idea of the planet Alcoholia. Cass: I hope the fact that I referenced it doesn't come across as ill will, as I have none towards you, really.

Any'ow, now that all's said and done, on with the fic!
Lights.... CAMERA.... aaannd... (wait for iiiit!!)

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HARD DAY'S NIGHT
an Invader Zim fanfic/lemon


Conventia! The air had been filled with exited shouts throughout the day, fresh from the throats of an Empire that knew it was winning. The announcement that yet another Invader had conquered a planet for the citizens of Irkenkind had sent all in the Empire abuzz with celebration; it seemed unreal that Floaby's congratulatory honoring at Conventia could already be over. All the Irkens in the crowds were now glancing through the landscape of low-budget gift shops, trying to bring back some sense of the joy that had ended such a short time ago.

Then again, there was scarcely an eye that wasn't still aglow. When one knows that another victory is bound to be just around the corner, it is hard to lose one's sense of pride.

Of course, The Almighty Tallest had been present to preside over the festivities. Perhaps from having to attend so many of such events lately, it was almost visibly noticeable that both Tallest Red and Tallest Purple were beginning to feel a bit worn down. Now that the spotlights (and lasers, of course) were gone, they hovered tiredly across the backstage floors.

Their antennae perked to attention as the soft sound of someone clearing their throat could be heard behind them. They turned around to see the very Irken soldier they had honored standing there, looking up at his leaders, his hands bunched together anxiously.

"Ah! Soldier... you had something to add?" Purple prompted, squinting down at the Invader. The edge to his voice hinted that Floaby had very well better have something to say if he didn't want them to leave right then and there.

Floaby tipped his head up to look his leaders in the eyes, his own magenta orbs twinkling hopefully. "Well... I was-- I was just wondering, my Tallest, if there was any... reward? For conquering a planet...?" He hunched his shoulders down and grinned, if a bit nervously, hoping the answer would be as he wished.

The two leaders turned towards each other, quirking their eyelids. After a second or so of silence, Red rummaged around in one of his lower pockets and withdrew a sandwich, which he handed to the Invader. "Um... here's a sandwich. There you go!"

Floaby's expression froze in a half-smile. The Tallest knew this look well, and weren't surprised what came next. "My... My Tallest? I was thinking of something a-- a little more..." Invader Floaby murmured softly.

Purple leaned down to glare at the small Irken. "It's a very good sandwich," he said, his voice clipped and firm. The Invader took the hint, and began to walk away, trying to hide his crestfallen expression from his generous rulers.

As soon as Invader Floaby had left the room, Red let out a tired sigh, stretching his arms. "Ugh..." he growled. "I thought that would never end. I've gotta get out of this armor... Does this suit make your waist itch, too?"

"Hm. Like you wouldn't believe," Purple said, trying to massage away a headache from his temples.

"Try me," Red replied flatly. "Anyway, let's head to the docking station. They should have the Massive ready to get us out of here in no time."

Purple nodded, tapping the comlink pad on the wall to summon an escort for the way there. There were usually a few overeager autograph-seekers hiding around backstage after any Conventia gathering, and the Tallest were in no mood for dealing with them this time.

"Oh, by the way... Red?" Purple lowered an eyelid. His antennae perking forward mirrored the annoyed tone of his voice.

"...Mm?"

"I noticed that someone replaced two of the smoke machines in the main Conventia stage with laserports. I wonder who authorized that, don't you?" Purple's tone made it clear that he wasn't 'wondering' about the culprit's identity at all.

Red forced a slightly nervous smirk. "Well... you've gotta admit, the crowds sure seem to like them."

As the Conventia guard finally arrived, Purple muttered under his breath, "That, and you can't zap anyone with smoke machines..."

Red pretended to ignore that last comment, though he was silently grateful Purple didn't ask why he'd been carrying yet another sandwich around in his pants.

********************

Within the hour, The Almighty Tallests were lounging comfortably within their quarters. Save for a barely audible hum from the machinery embedded within the walls, Red and Purple were completely alone, free to celebrate the Empire's continuing success. In their own way, of course.

"Here's to another invasion well done!" Red said, raising high a glass of the finest champagne the planet Alcoholia had to offer before tipping it down.

"Indeed," Purple replied, gently twirling his own glass in his hand as he watched the bubbles spin. "So, what is this now... there were thirty Invaders this time around, right?" He squeezed his eyelids shut, cackling merrily. "Nineteen out of thirty... at this point, nothing can stop us!" He downed the glass in one enthusiastic gulp.

"Not to mention how neat the stuff we've gotten from these new planets is..." Red grinned, tipping his champagne glass in a gesture towards their latest treasure, The Universe's Most Comfy Couch, fresh from Planet Vort.

"Oh, yes... Heh! Do you remember the look on Invader Larb's face when we claimed that?" Purple put a finger under his chin, smiling whimsically at the memory. "I thought he was going to burst into tears."

"That's what I mean! Irk's never conquered this many planets so quickly since they've gotten us-- their beloved double dictators..." Red puffed out his chest in pride; even his antennae stood tall. "We can do whatever the hell we want, and everybody's too afraid to say a thing!"

Purple giggled, bobbing his head in agreement. "Like Invader Skooge today... the mascot of Impending Doom Two?"

"Pah-- I still can't believe he managed to take over a planet before everyone else. The miserable shrimp..." growled Red, dropping his empty glass onto a small table nearby.

"Well, I'm glad you targeted the lasers on him this time," Purple said, ending with a snicker. "For someone so small, he sure can scream pretty loud."

"No problem at all. See, I kept my promise! I haven't hit you with lasers for the past five Conventia presentations!"

"I know. That worries me," Purple murmured, half to himself. "That means you've got one aimed at me right now."

Red fell silent, then chuckled sheepishly and tossed away the remote from his pocket. "I wasn't planning to use it..."

Purple smiled, his antennae relaxing as he leaned against the arm of the Vortian couch. "Y'know what? I don't even mind. Things have been that good lately. I don't care." He tossed his empty glass over his shoulder defiantly; the room's plush carpeting ensured there would be no smashing sound upon the glass's landing.

Red hopped onto the couch himself, leaning closer to his fellow ruler. Smirking, he added, "And best of all..."

They shared a satisfied sigh before they finished the sentence together: "Zim hasn't called in a week!!"

Their giddy grins were interrupted by a buzz from the comscreen on the wall. The deep voice of the room's computer rumbled, "INCOMING TRANSMISSION FROM EARTH!"

Purple looked at Red in amazement, shaking his head as his brow furrowed. "How on Irk does he DO that?!" he mumbled.

Besides scowling, Red didn't respond. His eyelids began to twitch as he hissed to the comscreen,
"What... is... it... now, Zim?"

The puny Irken blinked into view on the screen, his reddish eyes anxious. "Greetings, my Tallest! I--"

"Zim. This is a private comlink. We're in a meeting," Purple said slowly, as if Zim wouldn't understand any words more complex than that.

Red somberly nodded his agreement. "How did you get through the security programs, anyhow?"

"Oh, I got through them pretty easily... I figured you wouldn't mind, because of the urgency of the problem. I mean, for a mission as important as the invasion of Earth..."

"Get to the point, Zim," Red ordered.

"Well..." Zim began, stopping to cringe at the sound of something heavy hitting the floor behind him. He turned around, his antennae drooping mournfully as he looked at the piles of debris surrounding him-- parts of items that had, until recently, been a major portion of his underground laboratory. G.I.R.'s voice could be heard above the din of breaking objects as it collided into one machine after another, babbling and giggling more spastically than one would think possible, even for something as generally hyperactive as G.I.R.

At this revelation, The Tallest's frowns began shifting to pleased grins. "How's your special S.I.R. unit been working for you, Zim?" Red asked.

Zim chuckled nervously. "Well, My Tallest, that's kinda what I called to ask you about. It seems G.I.R. has gotten hold of mass quantities of a liquid Earth poison called "Jolt", and ever since then, it's been impossible to get anything done around here. I was hoping you could--" He stopped, gasping as a large metal panel next to him toppled, clanging to the floor mere inches away from Zim's feet.

"Oh, help fix the unit, right? Well, Zim, I think we can help you out there..." Purple said, trying to hide a smirk. He hovered over to a smaller comlink by the door and activated it.

A voice piped up from the speaker. "Yes, My Tallest! Drone Tric reporting!"

"Tric... have the mechanics' department send an SR-235 chip to Invader Zim's base on Earth immediately." He leaned closer towards the speaker and whispered, "...And set the computers to bar all incoming messages to this room from Earth, while you're at it. There seems to be a tiny bug in the security wall. A very annoying, tiny bug."

"Sir! Yessir!" the Drone chirped; the comlink fell silent.

"Did you hear that, Zim? You'll be receiving a special replacement chip for your S.I.R. within the next hour. That should take care of the problem," Purple said calmly, hovering back to the screen. Red stood nearby, trying desperately not to burst out laughing.

Zim sighed in relief, dipping his head. "Thank you, My Tallest. With your help, the mission can return to business as usual again. Invader Zim, signing out." He saluted; the comscreen blinked to black once more.

"BWAHA HA HA!! I can't believe you just did that!" Red managed, before losing his voice completely to laughter.

"It is the SR-235 chip that increases the speed of the S.I.R. by four hundred percent, isn't it?" Purple asked, a smug grin on his face.

"If--hee hee! If the robot doesn't explode in his face, the thing'll tear down his base within hours! Oh, I love the way your mind works..."

Purple paused momentarily, his grin fading. "Ugh. I just thought of something... the Rock People Floaby just conquered. One of us is gonna have to take samples for the computer's gene files soon."

"No problem there," Red said, patting the armor covering his chest. "I can handle it. Besides, I wouldn't want you to get overtired after tonight..."

"After...?" Purple asked, lifting an eyelid. "Oh, Red... you're not thinking of doing that again tonight, are you?" His shoulders slumped in further protest.

"Think of it! They're made of rock. I'll probably need a backup load just to get anything inside them," Red grinned, leaning forward to tap Purple under the chin with his finger.

Purple sighed, shaking his head. "I swear... you'll use any excuse you can find! Just say it. You just like plugging," he grumbled.

"It's not an excuse! This is a special occasion! It's a cause to celebrate! ...Come oooon..." Red protested, ending in a whine. He leaned further towards Purple, gently pressing him down against the couch. "Besides, you sure don't seem to mind it either, when you're about to squirt..." he purred.

Purple whisked his arm against Red's chest, pushing him away. "It tires me out, Red. You wouldn't know how much-- I mean, how often do you actually let me be the prodder?"

"We tried it with you on top once, remember? You didn't like it."

"That's not the point," Purple huffed. "You want it so often that it hurts! Three times in the past five days-- I mean, come on! Tracer fluid just doesn't magically reappear every time I squirt, you know..."

Red shrugged. "We've got plenty of food... you can get back your strength easy enough!"

Purple pursed his mouth into a line, sighing gravely. "Well, I can see you're not going to quit bugging me all night until I give in... as usual..." He narrowed his eyes at Red, who was grinning expectantly, one hand already drawing closer to the snaps on Purple's armor. "But just remember this, Red. I'm doing this because I like how I can take my mind off of our duties for a while, not so you can get your jollies. Got it?"

"Okay!" Red chirped brightly. "Can we start now?"

Purple pressed his eyelids shut, sulking. "I'm not listening to you. Just get going already."

After pausing to blink in slight surprise, Red shrugged, unsnapping and removing Purple's frontpiece armor with almost expert speed. He brought his head down to Purple's chest, eyeing the thin green tube connected to it-- the organ only an Almighty Tallest of the Irken race was allowed. A smirk crossed Red's face as he darted his snakelike tongue across Purple's tube in quick, whiffing licks. Whatever would the Irken Empire think if it knew their leaders were using The Tallest's ultimate information-gathering tool as a pleasure toy?

...Not that the Empire ever has to find out, Red added smugly, whisking his tongue along his fellow Tallest's tube again.

Red's smirk grew to a sly grin as he heard Purple try to quickly disguise a moan as an unconvincing yawn. Purple's body was much more eager in its response, however; light violet streaks began to appear across the organ, stiffening it slightly as the color curled around it. As he unsnapped his own armor and tossed the chestpiece over the couch, Red followed up with another lick, this time lapping much more slowly... then shifted himself over Purple, slowly easing his own tube to fit into his partner's. He can protest all he wants, Red thought to himself, but he can't say I don't know how to turn him on.

With that in mind, Red tried all the tricks he knew Purple liked, in quick succession: a lick here, a few flicks of the wrist there... and within minutes, Purple's arms were clenched like iron around his fellow Tallest's waist, his voice a delicious warble as he whispered, "oooh... ohplease-- more..."

Red knew this pattern well; he never dared to mention it to Purple, for fear of being smacked across the face, but Purple was more predictable than clockwork when in the heat of the moment: the better he felt, the weaker he became. Red started grinding harder into his partner, not bothering to lower his voice as his growling cries marked each new thrust.

"...r-red... ahh!!" Purple managed, his voice wavering so dreamily as to seem like he would forget where he was if Red didn't respond.

"Sh-h-h..." Red soothed, stopping as he leaned his head closer to Purple's. "You're almost there already?"

Purple whimpered, then forced out a tiny "don't stop PLEASE don't stop--!"

A sadistic glint winked in Red's eye at this. He remained still, humming a few random notes merrily as Purple squirmed impatiently underneath him, violet eyes twitching. Chuckling, the scarlet Tallest leaned his forehead down to relax against Purple's, asking, "And what could you do from there if I do?"

Uttering a tense moan that ended in a curse, Purple scraped his claws across Red's back; the touch was only a weak straining, but still enough to raise stinging white trails through the rips in the robes, as well as a surprised squeak from Red. Shocked scarlet eyes darted to the violet pair below as Purple hissed, his voice low and dangerous, "This was your idea, so don't start messing around if you don't want to make me any angrier than you already have!"

With a tiny "eep!", Red resumed his steady rocking motions... though doing so much more gently than usual, after such an unexpected outburst. Then again, he thought, I know plenty of ways I could maybe calm him down...

Red cautiously uncurled one arm from under Purple's back, feeling around the skin below the metal pod there as he continued his rocking. His eyes closed tight in concentration as his two claws searched...

"--AH!!" Red suddenly heard Purple cry out. Purple spasmed, arching up against Red. The scarlet Tallest gave a smug smirk at this victory, and began kneading the tiny patch of flesh between his claws, relishing the sudden control as Purple now howled in ecstasy, gasping for breath at Red's every nudge and poke.

It was almost funny, Red found himself thinking as he nuzzled against his trembling partner's cheek... They had both only figured out a few weeks ago that the Tallests' Tracer fluid pouch was just as sensitive on the outside as when prodding it directly from the inside, if they could actually figure out where the darn thing was. Red gave the nub a slow twist as he began humping faster, grinning from antennae to antennae as Purple begged him between whimpers to keep going. Pity we didn't find out sooner...

The bit of the sac stuck between his fingers was already swelling against the two claws; Red could feel the throbs from the bulge pounding harder, the growing heat from the Tracer-fluid inside spreading through his hands... Purple's mewlings were becoming fainter, more frantic. He lapped his tongue slowly across Purple's forehead, licking up the sweat there as he whispered to his partner, "See... hff!-- I knew you'd-- hffh-- like this...!"

As if in response, Purple began murmuring a trail of deliriously incoherent cries to match his partner's lunges, his breaths becoming tiny, fluttering gasps. This is it!, Red told himself, his tube swelling larger at the mere thought of what was about to happen...

Purple tossed his head back, stiffening against the couch as he uttered a delicate, sobbing wail. It only lasted a few seconds, but Red's face flushed dark green at the sound, his eyes clenching-- it was all he could do to avoid letting go himself, when Purple did that.

Purple never seemed to remember making the noise afterwards, but Red remembered it. How could he forget? It was the same feeble cry of defeat that so many Irkens at the Academy had given to Red in training battles, long before he'd even earned 'Red' as a name. The sensation that came along with knowing he'd brought his fellow Tallest to the ultimate, wordless point of fealty-- not to mention the Irken who constantly corrected his speech when Red would pander to the crowds!-- oh, no feeling could match it!

A soft shudder below him alerted Red that Purple still wasn't finished yet. Blinking in slight surprise that Purple hadn't let go already, Red pushed deeper, smiling as the familiar pressure of Purple's Tracer fluid sac nudged against his tube from inside...

...That was odd. Red looked down at Purple, who had whimpered-- but it was a sharp cry of pain, not of pleasure. "What?" Red whispered to Purple, his antennae curling forward in confusion. He cautiously prodded the sac again; feeling pressure against both sides of the most sensitive organ he had in his body always seemed to be Purple's favorite part of plugging. But, no-- his violet eyes only bulged with sudden tears as he yelped again, louder this time.

"um... Should I--" Red began, taking his hand away from Purple's back but unsure of what else to do. Maybe it'd help to speed past any more foreplay, he wondered-- just popping the darn thing might stop the pain. Purple seemed too flustered to speak, so Red didn't bother troubling him with questions; instead, with a shrug and a quick "Just hang on a second...," he grasped ahold of the side of the couch. With that, he rammed his tube deep into Purple, breaking open the sac in one quick jab.

Purple sputtered, but fell silent; it had seemed to work. Squirming at the pleasant rush of hot fluid through his tube, Red closed his eyes, sighing. Awkward, yes, but at least it was over.

...Or so he thought. Red felt Purple's hand tap against his neck; the touch was light, but desperate. It was a familiar signal between the two, however. Purple's tube never had quite matched Red's in terms of durability, and often became painfully strained when Red was particularly aroused. That must be it!, thought Red.

He reacted immediately in the same way he would to alleviate the common problem, reaching down with one hand to begin stroking Purple's tube; usually, relaxing the skin there was all that was needed.

Purple's head thrashed back and forth in a silent negative, his violet eyes frenzied. He slapped an even weaker hand against Red's neck, trying to get his attention. When Red finally looked down at his face, Purple hissed, "..c-can't breathe get off!!"

Red cursed fearfully as he all but jumped off of Purple, falling against the back of the fluffy couch. "Purple... Purple! Are you all right?!"

The only response Purple could manage at first was coughing. After the flurry of hacking was out of his throat, though, his breathing still rasped, as though some kind of shard was being stirred up with every breath he took. "hurts!-- back hurts...can't breathe.."

"Your back? What's wrong with it?" shouted Red, panicking almost as badly as his wheezing partner. He patted Purple under his backpod, only to hear Purple shriek in pain. Red yelped in surprise as well-- the smooth skin Red had touched only minutes before was now blistered raw; his fingers sunk into the hollow pouch, which felt as hot as a furnace...

Convulsing violently, Purple yowled in protest until Red quickly whipped away his hand from Purple's back... and stared with wide scarlet eyes at the mix of dark, melty slime clinging to his two fingers.

Red vaguely heard himself scream some kind of question at Purple, but all he could comprehend at the moment over the frantic buzzing in his own mind was Purple, collapsing along the couch before trying as best he could to curl himself into a hunched ball-- just the way a newborn Irken would try to hide from the pain of their Birthing Room's bright light.

A chilled sweat pricked itself onto Red's forehead; this was bad. Irkens usually only reverted to such a state when they knew their end was near... With antennae straight ahead in fear, Red tugged desperately at his tube in an attempt to slide it out. With a couple yanks and a squeal from Purple, they pulled apart. Though the resulting gooey spray of Tracer fluid spattered thick upon the precious Vortian couch, Red paid it no mind and rushed to call for a medical team-- especially when he saw the brackish blood mixed with the silvery liquid.

With the medics on their way, Red hovered back to Purple in a dash. He was admittedly more scared than hopeful himself, but Red tried to calm his partner's cries nonetheless. Taking Purple's limp hand between his own, he began whispering, "It's going to be okay!...You'll be fine, just hang on!" for what seemed like an eternity...

When the medic team finally burst through the doors, they stared in dumbfounded silence at their
undressed leaders until Red barked at them, "What are you waiting for, you idiots?! HELP him!!"

********************

"And you're sure this'll be covered up for the time being?" demanded Red, glaring down at the small Drone medic before him.

The Drone nodded quickly, his worried green eyes darting back to the room where Purple's surgery was taking place. "But... my Tallest... what if he--?!" Tiny tears welled up under the Irken's eyes, but he didn't dare finish the sentence in front of Red.

"We'll deal with that only if we need to. For now, just make sure you do everything you can to make sure he'll be all right."

With a brisk nod, the small Irken scurried away, back through the doors. Red ground his balled fists together as he had for much of the past hour. What’s taking them so long? ...He had the overwhelming urge to punch someone, something-- anything to lessen the pent-up, frustrated dread that was itching inside his mind. The most powerful being on Irk, and he had to sit there waiting, hoping... helpless.

There were five circular cracks puncturing the blank room's walls by the time the medic Drones filed out of the room, a look of tired relief on each of their drowsy faces. Red's antennae jerked forward as he waited for the chief surgeon to leave; his brain was burning with questions, and he knew he could get a decent response from whoever was overseeing the operation.

He all but pounced on the last Irken in line-- the only one whose face wasn't hidden by the Drones' traditional collar-- only to stop, frozen in his hover, as he saw who the medic was.

"Hello, Red..." Flek rumbled in his ever-gravely voice, as the squat, rust-eyed Irken bowed slightly to his Tallest.

"Ah!-- Flek! ...Haven't seen you in a while..." said Red, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. Flek was one of the oldest Irkens still alive; he'd been around to see the previous Almighty Tallest take over her first planet back when she was a mere Invader. He'd seen and learned more than most Irkens could ever dream to claim, especially in the medical field he'd always been a part of-- and he never let anyone forget that for an instant. And so miserably short to boot, Red complained to himself...

"I know what you're thinking, Red, and don't worry... Purple's going to be just fine." Flek gestured over his shoulder to the nearby room. "He's just been put into a stasis chamber-- he'll be asleep for the next day or so, until the nanites can finish up on fixing his backpod."

"It-- his backpod was broken?!" Red asked, gaping in surprise.

Flek shrugged slightly. "Overheated, actually. But, yes, it works out the same either way. Bits of metal'd started to melt off from the inside of the pod, near the spine... it was only a matter of time before it'd hit something. It just happened to be his lungs."

His rust-colored eyes narrowed as he looked at Red. "Which brings me to the question I was going to ask you... It's a bit funny that the only organ a Tallest would have that could work up that much heat happened to be located right under the backpod, don't you think?"

As Red squinted back at Flek, feigning innocence, the shorter Irken chuckled under his breath. He smiled at Red, continuing, "Now, if you've lived as long as I have, Red, you get to learn that forcing the Almighty Tallest to give information he doesn't want to give you usually gets whoever's asking shoved out the nearest airlock.

"I have a good idea what you two were up to, but I'm not going to say anything about it. I've just got to point out... I could tell by all the scar tissue on a particular pouch of Purple's that you two were doing something that-- well, I would compliment you on your imagination," he said, winking at Red, "...but if you keep doing it that often, it won't be long before one of you ends up back here, probably in a lot worse of a condition than poor Purple's in tonight."

Red frowned at Flek, his expression puzzled, as if trying to decide if playing dumb would still have any chance by this point. Flek noticed this, nodding as he said, "Like I said, though, don't worry about anybody finding out. The Tallest before you had a couple similar trips to the surgery room herself, though nobody ever heard a word about why." The medic smiled broadly, holding up his hand next to his mouth to snap his thumb and fingers closed-- the traditional Irken signal for "my lips are zipped".

"Rrrright," replied the scarlet Tallest, nodding back slowly. The old shorty damn well *better* not say anything, he growled to himself. As his fear and his temper battled for dominance, Red's gaze wandered back towards the doors. "But he'll be all right soon, won't he?...I mean, out of the chamber and all?"

"Should be up and hovering again in two days' time. I wouldn't worry too much. Just..." Flek's antennae curved forward, adding accent to his words. "Just remember what I told you."

Red halfheartedly nodded again, though his thoughts had already headed to something else, something terrifying that had just occurred to him: what on Irk was he going to say to Purple once he got better?

Oh, this could make things even more wonderful... 'Hi, welcome back, so sorry I almost plugged you to death!'? The two Tallest had never exactly been fawning in each other's arms to begin with-- what if Purple thought this was some kind of bizarre murder attempt? Granted, Red thought, that'd be one hell of a great way to die, but... if Purple was gone, who'd be there to make up the details whenever I think of another great plan in the Irken assemblies? Who'd be there to talk to when I'm lonely or I can't sleep? ...And for that matter, just who the hell would I be able to *plug* with--?!

...Wait... Flek had just said something. "Mm-- what was that?" Red asked.

"I said, good luck with the next sampling. Wasn't it a planet of rock-people this time?"

Red bristled slightly, wishing the shrimpy medic would just shut up about the whole topic. He let his miffed glare serve as an answer.

Flek shrugged, adding, "Well, I was just going to say that if you had any problems, I'll be in this wing whenever you might need anything checked out."

As Red hovered back to the Tallests' quarters, Flek called after him, "You should be glad, though... At least Irk doesn't televise the injections anymore! It got pretty ugly when the last Tallest had to sample from The Planet of Pure Itchiness..."

********************

Flek's last phrase was more truthful than Red ever would to have liked to admit. Even though sampling was nowadays of importance only to Irk's computer databases and the conquered party, the process that day was awkward from start to finish for the scarlet Tallest.

It should have been easy. Red tried to remember that as he stepped up to the sedated rock creature (the race apparently had a name for themselves, but such trivialities did not concern the Irken Empire), climbed to the top of it, and let hormonal instincts take their hold on him.

Just let the Tracer fluid squirt into it, Red kept repeating to himself. He tried recalling the words he had been told to memorize upon his Tallest coronation: The Birthing Room's computers get to analyze what the Tracers find, the Irken race gets any beneficial traits fed through to their backpods' CPUs...

He realized he couldn't remember anything past that, so he continued, snarling in his own emphasis as he pounded harder into the creature's rocky skin, and you get one hell of a buzz from squirting... it's all good...

...So why on Irk did the stupid beast have to moan like that when Red was only half finished?

The noise hit Red's brain just as he was about to squirt. Maybe he'd hit a vital organ somewhere in the rock... thing, not that he cared-- all he heard in that sound was same pain he'd heard from Purple. Being the warrior he was, Red finally pulled himself together enough to finish the deed, but the reminder alone was enough to make him feel hideously ill the rest of the day.

Hour after hour dragged on, and even the Massive's attendants became worried. Whispers were quickly traded behind the gloved hands of the guards about how The Almighty Tallest Red couldn't bring himself to finish even half the platter of nacho fries he'd called for. The shorter Irkens employed on the space cruiser were admittedly grateful that their Tallest wasn't trying to trip them in the hallways, nor was he (as some of the tiniest guards would constantly claim he'd done) threatening to "toss them in a maze and hunt them down for a laugh." No one questioned the report that The Almighty Tallest Purple was recuperating after choking on a particularly sharp cheese cracker. However, every Irken on board would agree that something was seriously wrong.

Red's spirits improved later the next day on the main deck of the Massive, when he received the news: Purple was already well enough to go about with his Tallest duties without further aid! Red was overjoyed beyond words... until Purple returned, at any rate.

As it turned out, Red didn't have to think over the difficult task of how to greet his co-ruler after such an illness. When the two met once again, Purple merely hovered past Red, as if his greeting cry of joy hadn't been heard at all.

In fact, to Red's unbearable frustration, he didn't acknowledge Red's presence whatsoever in the days to follow. The most Purple would stray from his punishing silent treatment was to lift his head up and look around the room in mock confusion, remarking, "Hm?...I could've sworn I heard a voice babbling in here for a moment... Must've been the wind..."

Shouts, pleads, and begging all had no effect. As Purple continued the day-to-day tasks of a Tallest with cold precision, it was all Red could do to keep from screaming at the top of his lungs, dashing up and shaking Purple to get him to respond-- to do anything at all! But how positive a reaction would that be, if Purple was already angry at him?

Day after day dragged past. Even for a brain seasoned to deal with anything and everything on the battlefield, Red had to admit he just couldn't take this kind of punishment. But to add even further insult to injury... when Red hovered into the Tallests' quarters one night and saw that Purple had shoved the Vortian couch against the wall, claiming the whole thing as his own...

True, Red was hovering closer to see if he couldn't change Purple's anger in the usual way he made his partner happy, but when he was about to hop over the back of the couch with his chestplate held loose in his hand, he felt a quick jolt of electricity as a mini-forcefield propelled him back.

Purple leaped up immediately at Red's surprised shriek, his violet eyes almost glaring poison right into Red's face as he saw Red's exposed chest...

"What? Don't you trust me?" Red sputtered.

********************

Day six. Red wasn't dead yet, but that fact surprised him greatly.

Purple sat in a chair across the room from Red, nonchalantly skimming over some book or another, not glancing up for an instant. Red nearly shivered in his own chair watching Purple ignore him. Purple knew his silence was driving his co-ruler crazy. He must! Amnesia was out of the question... wasn't it?

Red nearly jumped when a bleep sounded from the other side of the door-- a request for audience.
Good-- anything was a welcome break from being cooped up with The Statue at this point. However, instead of any further noise from whoever was nearby, a thin hatch popped up from the bottom of the main doors; an electronic messagepad was slid through, and nothing more could be heard than the faint sound of small, booted feet scurrying away.

"Koz," Red said, shaking his head.

Purple turned to look at the new object on the floor, muttering quietly to himself, "Ah! Those'll be the updates on the Invader crews... Hm. I wonder why Koz always runs off as soon as he delivers reports here?"

Red crossed his arms and sulked from in his chair, not responding. Purple had not been asking a question.

However, as he read down the list of notices, Purple continued murmuring under his voice: "Mm hmmm... Heh. That away team's as good as gone. And... what's this? --'Your decision is requested as to utilization of the Rock Planet, conquered on blah blah date blah... No metals found suitable for quarry,’ hmm...!" He lowered his hands, staring off into space, as if the ceiling would give him an answer.

Some moments passed as Red thought over a few phrases in his mind. Without a glance towards Purple, he finally hovered away from his chair and over to the room's audio-comlink. Pressing a button on the machine, he began speaking into the mike: "Tallest Red to Commanding Unit Five, authorization code Zap-Oh-Five-One. Answering your latest message about the rock planet: the planet is to be converted to another wing of Rubbishinia, to be named Rubbishinia-9. Instruct the nearest troops in the area to liquidate the native population..." Red paused for a moment, narrowing his eyelids. "--Using whatever weapons will remove them the fastest. Once that's taken care of, you can begin building dumping facilities as soon as possible."

A computer tone growled in response, "AUTHORIZATION NOTED. TALLEST CLASS. MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT." Red returned to his chair and leaned back, stretching his arms in satisfaction. After a happy sigh, he reached for a nearby bowl, drawing his hand back to pop a congratulatory curly fry into his mouth.

And then, a voice-- Red's antennae stood straight out at the sound of the nearly-forgotten attention:

"Mother of Irk, Red, you've got guts."

Red swirled to face Purple immediately, almost choking on the greasy gobbet in his mouth. The violet Tallest stared straight back at him, mouth open in slight disgust, his head shaking back and forth at Red.

"Oh, so you can actually speak now?!" Red spat, his voice low.

Purple's antennae jumped back apologetically for a fleeting instant, then eased back forward, as if
remembering he was supposed to be angry. He narrowed his dull violet eyes tiredly at Red, remarking, "Ahh, I guess you've had enough."

Red could feel his face flush dark green at the comment. "HAD ENOUGH?!" he roared. "Is that all you have to say after treating me like a germ for six days? Youuu... YOU--" Red sped over to Purple, glaring at him menacingly as he stopped to tower over the other Tallest.

Purple's shoulders slumped, shuddering slightly, as from some tremendous weight. He closed his eyes from the sight of the furious Irken before him and sighed deeply. With a voice small and cracking from disuse, Purple murmured, "I'm.... I'm sorry, Red..."

Red stopped for an instant, face still burning. Now he was mad at Purple for apologizing so quickly. As he stood hovering there, he paused, gnawing over those four words in his mind... only to lift Purple's face towards his and say gruffly, "So we're both sorry. Now why'd you do that?"

A sour sneer swept across Purple's face. "Why didn't you let me rest for once, instead of always
yapping on about wanting to plug every night? I told you it hurt!"

"Why didn't-- well, how did I know that could even happen?! I thought you liked doing it, anyway!"

"Well... I do, yeah. But it's not just that. It's..." Purple paused, pursing his lips into a thin line before turning away from Red's gaze. "You wouldn't understand. It's all probably just heave-and-grunt for you anyhow."

"Is not!!" Red spat back, though he made a mental note not to bring up anything about Purple's mid-act cries of defeat. It seemed like a bad time. "What do you mean by that, anyway? What's so special about it that I'm not feeling and you are?"

Purple only shook his head again. "I don't wanna talk about it!"

Red harrumphed dryly. "If I don't know what you like, how am I supposed to help you enjoy it?"

An uneasy silence blanketed the room until Purple, his eyes still fixed away from Red, finally mumbled, "hugging..."

"Well, yeah, plugging. What about it?" Red asked.

"No, I didn't--" Purple stopped and sighed. Looking up into his partner's confused scarlet eyes, he continued, arms rigid at his sides and voice brisk to the point of sounding nervous. "It's just... well, I know how we're supposed to be warriors and all. The peak of the Irken race. And that if I admitted that I liked what I do, I'd be a laughingstock. Probably to you most of all, Red. And I can't bear to think of that..."

Red's antennae perked forward, puzzled. "Whad'ya mean?"

Purple rolled his eyes in exasperation. He reached over to grasp Red's hand, clutching it between both his own. "Did you ever notice how Irkens never touch each other, Red? I mean, in any way? Heck, every last Irken in the Empire has a body coated in armor... did you ever realize how we're the only two in this Empire who can get away with touching-- even just a handshake, for Irk's sake?"

Purple raised Red's hand up to look at the two fingers, almost studying them. "Because when we're plugging, I think of that... and how when we're doing that, we're closer than any Irken in history’s ever been. And I can feel you from inside the most private part of me-- and I'm hugging you with my inside, holding you in there, I don't know-- I mean, how can't I feel like this, when you're the only other Irken I can feel those sort of things with?!"

Red stood, dumbfounded, as Purple slowly toyed with his fingers. Purple looked up, trying to hide the tiny tears lining the bottoms of his eyes, and muttered, "So I'm weak. I admit it. But when I feel that way, it's the best thing in the universe... and for a second, it feels like you're thinking the same thing I am, 'cause sometimes when I float away like that I can feel you get so much bigger from inside me, all of a sudden, and I think for a moment I won't even be able to handle you-- but when it's all done, it seems you didn't think of anything more than making me squirt. And then you wanna do it again five minutes later. So yes, I was a bit ANGRY!!"

His rant finished, Purple slumped back against his chair, crossing his arms as his eyelids drooped wearily. "There. I've said it. Go ahead and laugh now."

Red only stared at Purple, still trying to process what his co-ruler had just said. His first reaction was resentment-- he'd been missing out on some kind of turn-on his partner had known about all this time?! That, and he was blubbering as badly as if he'd just arrived from the planet SoapOperia...

However, as Red continued looking at the humiliated Tallest before him, a thought struck him, one that seemed more urgent a priority than worrying about himself.

"Um..." he began, gaining Purple's attention, "You... wouldn't get hurt again if we tried something together now, would you...?"

Purple's antennae crept forward angrily. Red quickly continued, "I mean, not just for the hell of it! Could you show me what you mean-- what it is that you feel like? If you'd want to do that, I could-- well, you know, hand all the decisions over to you this time. If you'd want that."

It wasn't all that odd for Red to be stumbling over his words, but there was something different Purple noticed just then: since when did Red sound so unconfident when he was talking? For once, it seemed Red wasn't just offering this option as an excuse to hop into bed (or onto a couch, or against a wall).

"You... you're not mad at me?" Purple asked.

Red sighed heavily for a moment, then shrugged off the somber mood of the room in his usual jaunty manner. "Hey-- considering what happened, I'm kind of glad you didn't just rip my head off as soon as you came out of the chambers a week ago."

"Hmh. That would've been too easy," Purple replied, flashing a devious grin.

"See? You can't say you're all that weak," said Red with a smile. "It's just a pity you get so worked up about little things like lasers getting blasted into your eye."

Purple's eyes grew wide at that remark, darting around the room in search of anything that might be aimed at him. Red only chuckled and remarked, "Nahh, don't worry... the controller actually busted. I couldn't get it fixed. Pity, though-- you sure perked up pretty quickly as soon as I mentioned it."

Purple relaxed at the news, leaning against his chair. He drummed his two claws against the armrest for a moment, then looked to face his co-ruler's scarlet gaze. "You know... if we block out any transmissions to this room, I just might take you up on that offer of yours."

Red blinked in surprise as an awkward, scribbled grin grew upon his face. "Y--You really mean it?"

The edge of Purple's mouth quirked. "Why not... I've gotta admit, it has been kinda tough going without it for almost a whole week." He rolled his eyes at Red. "You've gone and made me an addict, too!"

Red nearly glowed with delight as he bounded towards his partner, only to be stopped by Purple's raised finger: "Ohhh, no no no. You're not going back on your promise now! Set the computers to block any calls, then we start."

With a satisfied smirk, Purple sidled off his chair and hovered over to The Universe's Most Comfortable Couch, turning it around from the far side of the wall. "And after you're done with that, keep in mind that I'll be letting you know how."

********************

Red was surprised by two things that night. First, that even though Purple worked as slowly as he did from on top, Red still ended up squirting first, and far more enjoyably than he’d ever imagined; and secondly-- how on Irk had Purple learned to flex THERE?!


*finis*