PRE-STORY NOTES: I'm well aware that I'm not doing Mr. Vasquez any favors if I show my appreciation for the Invader Zim series by writing a whack-off story with his characters. With that said, I’ve added a quick-and-punchy version of this lemon after the fic itself. There are all kinds of ways a sex scene can lose any erotic appeal if written in a more canon-faithful style, especially when Jhonen's sense of humor is involved. I hope that by poking fun at the original fic in this way, it’ll help you readers figure out that none of this is meant to be taken too seriously.

There were a few sources of inspiration for this fic. Along with ideas thought up while watching “Backseat Drivers from Beyond the Stars” (such as why Lard Nar would scream like a little girl when panicked, or why all Vortians, such as the pink-skinned Prisoner 777, were confined in those little light-zigzagged pens in the first place), the name of the other Vortian in this lemon came soon after I learned "Lard Nar" is actually a Thai noodle-based dish. (Jhonen's love for Thai food strikes again, I suppose.) "Paht Seeyew" is a phonetic spelling of another such dish-- essentially, a vegetarian version of Lard Nar, or so the online resources I found claimed.

ACTUAL DISCLAIMER STUFF: This fanfic contains written depictions of sex using nonhuman anatomy, including what could technically be considered to be two males getting it on. If you’re under the legal age to read such material where you’re viewing this, or if you get grossed out by the idea of sex partners switching binary genders around mid-act like a game of hopscotch, please hit the 'Back' button on your browser now. Lard Nar, the Resisty, and the concepts of Irkens and Vortians in general are the brainchildren of Jhonen Vasquez and those in Nickelodeon's Invader Zim crew. Doctor Niki-Miki is the fancharacter creation of Tina Fazzalari, aka Cartman's Girl (http://cgaussie.deviantart.com/). The story itself, along with all the perverted ideas described within, are entirely my own fault.

...And I've kept you waiting long enough as it is. Off we go!

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A Resistance of Two
by Apricot the Gerbil


Flicker.

Flicker.

Flicker.

Lard Nar sat alone in the cubelike cell, eyes deliriously wide behind his green goggles. His mind was all but a blank as he watched the pattern of light dance up and down along the sides of his cell. Flicker. And again. He couldn't tear his attention away from it, and he knew it.

Once in a long while, the surges would pause just long enough for him to snap out of his transfixed state-- long enough for him to remember what got him here. He'd been captured, imprisoned by the very Irken Empire he'd brought together his Resisty alliance to rebel against. They'd thrown him inside here. Being alone was bad enough, but the Empire hadn't even trusted him enough to think on his own... apparently, Irkens no longer underestimated those from Planet Vort's ability to plan an escape.

But those thoughts had already slipped through his memory. Now there was just the light arcing, the same single moment repeating itself forever...

Flicker.

Flicker.

A clattering sound echoed. Then, silence.

Spots washed in front of Lard's eyes, but the hypnotic flashes had suddenly frozen where they were-- thin, jagged beams of light-- and faded to the solid color of the walls. A side of the cell had just fallen away, leaving bleached-out traces of what lie beyond. His eyes darted around what little could be seen, adjusting as quickly as possible, scanning for any recognizable cues. He made no attempt to move just yet; his mind was still reeling.

Smooth walls... equipment set up, humming rather loudly, unknown origin-- this might be bad... Irken insignia on the wall. His horns shifted back in anger. The sight of that symbol was enough for him to fill in the details for himself.

"So I'm to be a prisoner," he growled to whoever might be listening. His goggles narrowed as he scowled, his hands curling to fists. "Very well, you green scum... what are you going to do to me?! I swear, I'll fight back with every last breath I have!"

A voice answered him. "There'll be no need for that. Just calm down, all right? I'm not planning on hurting anyone."

Lard frowned. "Why should I trust you? You Irkens have done nothing but lie to my kind since the start!"

A pause. "Well, you'd at least find out why you're here. Nothing much more you could lose."

Lard scowled, but after considering his lack of options, he stepped out to meet this new enemy, head and horns held high in defiance.

He walked out of his cell to find himself in... well, a much larger cell. Dozens of tubes clung to the transparent walls like steel leeches, though he had no idea what they might be used for. Save for a second boxy mini-cell resting on the floor nearby his own, the room was bare. The walls stretching far above his head were clear and clean, reeking of medical sterilizers.

Lard finally noticed he was being watched. An Irken dressed in a trim white laboratory coat stood on the other side of the glass, holding a clipboard. Her red and green mismatched eyes stared at the grey Vortian with curiosity. Lard stifled a shiver, hiding it by bundling his arms against the dark green prisoner's uniform he wore... He wouldn't allow this captor any victory in seeing him afraid, no matter how unsettling this new situation was!

"There, now. Much better," the Irken said, smiling at him.

"Better?!" Lard Nar snarled back. "How is being imprisoned, stuck here to have Vort knows what tested on me, supposed to make me feel better?"

His captor blinked. "Tested? Who said you were going to have anything tested on you? You're just needed for some research."

"Same thing, different words. I'd expect nothing different from an Irken... What's the crisis you need answered? Am I still rebelling too much for you? You want me to hand over my Resisty members?"

The Irken seemed confused. She glanced down at her clipboard. "Ah, that's right, you were the leader of a resistance group before you came here..." She gave him a sad smile. "I'm afraid they all turned themselves in, shortly after your ship was abandoned. Not a very dedicated group, if I may say so."

Lard gaped at this, too stunned to speak. He'd always thought some of the Resisty were a bit lacking in their fervor, but... no, this Irken had to be lying, didn't she?

"And as for your other question... I admit you're a bit rowdier than I'd expected, but that doesn't matter. I'll explain: My name is Doctor Niki-Miki, and you're here in the Massive's medical wing because--"

"I helped design this ship, you know," Lard interrupted, pouting.

Niki cleared her throat, frowning back. "And you're needed because... well, there's really no way to sugarcoat it. Your species is dying out, is why."

Lard Nar was silent. His horns curled back in suspicion. He didn't want to believe what this Irken was saying, but... he had to admit, it'd been a long time since he'd actually tried going back to his home planet. He'd never found out how many had survived its Irken conquest not long ago... He finally muttered, "You toy with your allies, kill them all off, and now I'm to fix it? How do you plan to have me do that?"

The doctor raised a ridged brow. "We kept all casualties of the conquest to a minimum, actually. I'm not going to try apologizing for anything the Empire has done, but we seemed to have destroyed Vort's facilities for incubating their newborns somewhere along the way." She ran a lazered pen along her clipboard, looking over the notes jotted down there. "The Empire thought we'd already documented Vortian reproductive process, just like any other newly conquered planet, but I guess they'd just figured it had already been put in the files."

She fixed Lard Nar with a serious gaze. "In short, we've got no idea how your species reproduces. The Empire's had too many successful inventions come from your kind to risk the Vortians dying out completely, but lately, the ones left on Planet Vort have been wasting away. From what I've been told, it's almost as if they're trying to kill themselves off since they've been conquered."

"Hmph... You really have no idea what we're like, do you?" Lard said, shaking his head disdainfully at her. "I didn't hear about any of this news, but I can see where they're coming from. We Vortians have codes of honor, unlike you Irkens!" He pointed a dramatic finger at Niki, continuing, "I myself would rather let our history crumble to dust, rather than have it be dragged to the streets and violated by an ally we trusted with the pinnacle of our innovations for centuries!"

Niki's curious expression returned. "Tell me, um..." She looked down at her notes again. "Lard Nar... Do all Vortians think about honor the way you do, or is it just a certain subgroup?"

Lard scoffed, crossing his arms. "All noble Vortians would. I admit, there are some among us who bow down to diplomacy and let our opponents walk all over them for the sake of a grasp at harmony... but they're only fools and dreamers, as I see it!"

"And do these 'dreamers' share anything in common?" Niki asked, idly reaching into a pocket of her lab coat to retrieve a small remote-control device. She quieted, looking back towards the cell, as her fingers toyed with the button on the control.

"I suppose," Lard said, narrowing his goggles suspiciously at the device in his captor's hands. "What are you getting at?"

"Well, we've just gotten some differing information about Vortians recently, that's all," Niki answered. "Remember, I never said you'd be studied by yourself. We may not know much about Vortians, but we know they don't just pop out offspring on their own."

Lard Nar's face paled slightly. He turned to look at the other holding-pen in his cell, realization just beginning to dawn on him. "Do you mean... that I, uh, would be..."

Niki grinned. "Yes, you would." She tapped the button down; a beep chirped from the second pen as one of its side panels fell away. Lard stood frozen where he was, nervously tapping his fingers against each other. True, this wasn't what he was expecting, but this new idea was certainly no more of a comfort!

“Don’t worry yourself, now. Trust me, I have seen it all before,” said the doctor, smirking. “You’re not going to be graded.”

Lard scowled at her, spite flaring in his voice. “That’s not a comfort, Irken.”

A voice echoed from inside the newly opened pen just then, along with sounds of stirring: "Oh! ...Back here again... Did you find another new assistant, Doctor?"

"That we did!" answered Niki. "He's right out here with you, Paht."

"Wait... did you say Paht?" Lard's brow crumpled. "I can't quite remember, but that name sounds familiar... Is that their whole name?"

"Paht Seeyew, actually. And, well... she said she'd worked on designing the Massive as well, didn't you?" Niki asked, looking over to where the second Vortian had just stepped out from her pen.

Paht nodded, smiling politely. "Although technically, there were several thousand of us who worked on that project. We Vortians have a knack for carrying out tasks better when we're working in mass groups. I think everybody on Vort was assigned something involving the Massive at one point or another," she explained, her voice mellow.

Lard was about to raise his voice against this traitorous informing of the enemy, but he decided to investigate his... 'situation' a bit further instead. The new Vortian's pink skin was very dark, nearly lavender, making her white horns and tiny green eyes stand out even more from the rest of her face. Lard felt a blush heating up, despite himself. He was supposed to... with this... here?!

Niki continued speaking, while Paht greeted a nervous Lard with a handwave. "Paht Seeyew here has been with the medical department for some time now, just after Vort itself was made a part of the Empire. She's been of some help in giving us information, at least about your species’ anatomical structure. Unfortunately, the other captured grey-skinned Vortians such as yourself refused to cooperate in the studies. Most of them attempted suicide, rather than agreeing to mate with her." She narrowed her eyes at Lard. "Something about standing up for Vort’s honor at all costs..."

"Um," Lard Nar mumbled, suddenly taking interest in the floor of the cell.

"In fact, we've been trying to bring in a grey Vortian for this project for some time now," Niki said. "You males have been dying off even faster than your females. Though I think I understand why, now."

Paht and Lard looked at Niki, confused. "Wait-- you thought I was a female just because I wasn't grey?" Paht asked.

The doctor paused. She looked down at her notes again, remarking, "Well, that's what I was told by the guards that managed Planet Vort. You need males and females to breed, right?"

"Yes, but... how long have you been trying to bring in someone grey?!" Lard sputtered. "We're either pink or grey, yes, but that's got nothing to do with that!"

Paht nodded. "We can shift to male or female as we wish. It's all to do with the scent we give off, not with looks! The pheromones get picked up through smell, with these, and..." She pointed towards her horns, then trailed off, her face saddening. "You took all this time to try seeing how we bred, and you didn't know how to tell us apart?"

Niki's eyes lit up. Far from seeming disappointed, she began scribbling notes down with giddy excitement. "No, no! Most interesting, though-- this might be just the information we needed! If you two could help me figure the rest of this out, we might still have a chance..."

"A chance to do what?!" Lard growled, making Paht flinch at the harshness of his voice. "Even if we do show you how we breed, why should we hand over any offspring to the very race that's imprisoning us?"

His horns twitched in surprise, feeling Paht's breath on the back of his neck. He hadn't even heard her walk up behind him. She whispered to him, so quietly that the doctor before them seemed not to notice it: “If you love to honor Vort so much, would you rather die and give up any hope our kind has now, or keep living for a chance at the Vortians' freedom later on...?"

Lard didn't respond. Blast it all... this is exactly why I hate pinks-- they make all their stupid plans sound so smart when they're saying them! he complained to himself.

Paht continued on from where she was, speaking normally. "So sorry to shift the subject, but I don't think I've been told your name yet."

"Oh. Yes. It's... Lard Nar..." Lard said, growing a bit nervous at how she had started to run her fingers down along his horns, softly, like she was trying to calm some tiny, panicked animal. He bristled at the contact-- curse her, that tickled!

"Lard Nar," Paht repeated back, as if tasting it. "S'a nice name... So, tell me, Lard Nar. Did you ever get to be in one of the mating sessions they'd have on Vort?"

Lard paled. He stammered a moment, eyes set on the Doctor, who was still watching them both from the other side of the cell. "Wh-why would you want to know that?"

"Just wondering if you know how to do it, that's all," Paht said. Lard couldn't see her from behind his shoulder, but he suspected by the sound of her voice that she was smiling. "I've had to wait a very, very long time here. All that time, waiting alone-- it’s gotten quite frustrating, with no one agreeing to mate with me..."

"I-- well, I did once, back when... I was younger. I don't remember anything from it, I only woke up a few days later with a headache," Lard answered, lowering his voice. He didn't know why he felt so embarrassed talking about this, but he wasn't going to let the Irken hear them discuss this sort of thing if he could help it.

A pink arm wrapped gently around the front of Lard's uniform, resting on his stomach. Paht spoke again, with faint puffs of her breath dancing right behind his horns. "Not surprising. There can be hundreds of Vortians in the same room during some of those events... More at a time means better chances for children." Paht toyed with Lard's belt while she talked, her fingers making him shiver uneasily. "I've been at quite a few events, but I've never tried mating with just one, before. I've been wondering what it's like."

"You-- but you can't do anything unless I want to, too!" Lard said, gulping. "I may not know much, but enough to know that!"

Paht giggled, sounding terrifically amused. "I know, I know. Nothing shows unless you want to let it out... although. Let's say I've always enjoyed friendly challenges." She paused, looking past Lard to face Niki-Miki through the glass. "You need to see how we both look without these at some point anyhow, right?" She tugged at her own uniform.

At the doctor's nod, Paht stepped away from her cellmate and unhooked her belt. The uniform fell to the floor a moment later; Lard's eyes grew to saucer proportions behind his goggles. As the pink Vortian sighed and stretched before him, the room suddenly felt uncomfortably warmer.

He could see the tips of two tiny, fleshy tentacles peeking out from a thin slit between her legs-- also pink, a bit lighter than the rest of her body. Though it was quite natural for mating organs to appear on the outside when a Vortian was relaxed enough, he doubted she was showing them only for comfort's sake... His left horn twitched involuntarily from the sudden drifting smell in their cell.

"If you're trying to seduce me, it won't work!" Lard muttered, his horns flattening back against his head in defiance.

Paht only smiled, glancing off to the side to see Niki watching them; the Irken looked like she was trying not to burst out laughing. "I'm not seducing you. I'm just saying I'd teach you how to have some fun here, if you want."

She reached out towards Lard's shoulder, pausing as he drew back. She shook her head disapprovingly. "From the looks of it, the other greys sure didn't bother teaching you much outside of the military labs. All bomb-inventing and no play makes a dull Vortian, you know."

Lard bristled at this jab, but kept his defensive stance, crossing his arms. His eyes veered towards the doctor as he faced Paht, speaking through clenched teeth. "I-- I don't know, I just... I don't want the Irken watching us like this..."

Niki-Miki's antennae quirked at this mention. "Well, I still have to observe what you two do if I'm to get any information. That, and have the cameras recording..." She paused, sucking at her lip in thought. "If you want, though, I could darken the inside of the walls in there. That way you couldn't see through to this side."

"But you'd still be able to see us, right?" Lard demanded.

The doctor only shrugged. "Well, yeah."

The two Vortians looked at each other. After a wary pause, Lard finally sighed, "All right, we'll have to go with that, I suppose." He sulked, his eyes following Niki as she walked over to a control board nearby and fiddled with some dials. The walls of the cell blotted to a solid, metallic-looking purple. Lard frowned at them suspiciously.

Paht walked up closer to him. "Was that your only hang-up, then?" Lard only kept frowning, avoiding her gaze, so she continued. "Because if that was the problem, I was just going to say... we're kinda stuck here, either way. If you wanted to maybe get your uniform off, too, I could just play around, see what you'd like. Maybe go farther if you want." She smiled. "It's not like we'd
have to worry about where any offspring would be taken. We can both be the same gender."

Lard looked at the floor before finally answering. "I want to be-- to stay male. If I must." He fidgeted. "I'm just used to it by now."

"Fine, that's no big deal," Paht said, her eyes squinting in concentration. "Male it is." The scent in the room shifted; though Paht's Seeyew’s body didn't seem to change, within moments, Lard and his cellmate shared a common smell. Paht tipped his head playfully to the side. "Better?"

"I suppose. If it weren't for the whole 'stuck in a box, being watched while I have to screw a complete stranger' thing, I'd be just peachy!" Lard said, his voice oozing with sarcasm.

Paht only shrugged. "Okay. I'll admit, the situation kind of stinks. But really, think of it! We can either get comfortable enough to go through with this, or they'll stick us back in those." He gestured towards the deactivated pens behind him with a thumb.

Lard rolled his eyes. "And your point is...?"

Paht's horns drew back in impatience. He moved closer to the grey Vortian, glaring right into his green-goggled eyes. "Now quit being such a stubborn brat about this! Which is worse? Getting tossed back into a place where we can't even think for ourselves, or staying here and at least getting a chance at a pleasant time with someone else?!"

Slightly startled, Lard's expression softened, especially when he noticed that Paht's groin had reverted back to being smooth and featureless once more. Just my luck. Now he's upset, too, Lard thought.

Paht continued, jabbing towards Lard with a pointed finger: "You must not've been staying in the pens very long if you'd prefer them. I've been stuck in them every time someone's refused to go along with this project-- it's probably been years now!-- and let me tell you, it is not a fun way to have to keep on living! You're not able to know what's going on, how much time's gone by--"

By now Paht kept going like the words were falling out of his mouth, even as Lard Nar waved his hands before him in an unnerved surrender, goggles wide and astonished at this scolding. "And those few moments when you get your bearings, it just makes it that much worse when you realize how much you're missing! Not to mention what it feels like when I've been turned down so many times because of those greys' meaningless 'honor' they always talk about, just when I'm let out long enough to have hope... So don't you go talking to ME about feeling just peachy!"

And just as suddenly as his outburst had started, Paht turned his back to Lard, plunking down and crossing his spindly legs against each other on the floor.

An uncomfortable silence yawned through the cell.

It was Lard Nar who spoke first. "I... well, actually, yes-- they'd only captured me a while ago. I didn't know, that you..." He fidgeted, not sure of what to say; Paht only stayed where he was, icily quiet, his back slouched.

Finally, Lard shook his head, giving a tired, defeated sigh. Paht's horns twitched upwards at the sound of a buckle being undone. The soft sound of Lard's uniform falling to the floor of the cell came soon after. Paht slowly turned his head around, green eyes brightening, to see Lard already standing there beside him.

"I hope it's not a problem if I keep my goggles on. I'm used to those, too," mumbled Lard. "Though I apologize, about..."

"No, no. Don't be sorry," Paht said. "It's just... I don't know. We've all been messed up so much by now..."

The two nodded, their understanding left unspoken.

Lard sat down, coming to eye level with Paht, only to turn his gaze away. "I'm not exactly sure how to do this correctly. It’s been so long since the last time I’d done anything, and even that I can’t really... be sure of, well..." he mumbled, tapping his fingers against each other.

Paht brought his hand to Lard's chin, tipping it towards him until their eyes met. He smiled warmly at his grey cellmate, saying softly, "C'mon over here, you."

Lard blinked, moving closer, but he still looked utterly lost. "Where... I mean, what do I--"

"Shhh," Paht whispered. "Don't worry, I'll show you." He reached out for Lard's hand. When it was haltingly offered, Paht drew him over even closer, taking his other hand and motioning to turn around. "Sit down, now-- right here, that's it." Lard followed suit, coming to a seat atop Paht Seeyew's own splayed legs.

"See? Back on Vort, this was how they showed me when I started out. Just like a chair. More comfortable, too," Paht said, bringing a pink arm around Lard's chest to steady them both. "At least, I hope it is."

"...Yes, I suppose," Lard mumbled, shifting a bit. That strange heat he'd felt before was starting to come back to his face. "What now?"

Paht grinned. "Nothing. We're as good as stuck, unless we're both relaxed enough for anything to work, remember?"

"Ah. Yes. All right..." Lard said, frowning. He sat there, waiting for something to happen.

Nothing did.

"Sorry, guess I'm still a bit, um." There was another slight pause. If instinct was supposed to step in and take its course, it wasn't doing its job. Outside the cell, Niki-Miki shook her head, wondering to herself how these creatures ever managed to populate a planet in the first place.

Lard chuckled nervously. "Well, it has been a while for me and all."

"Of course, of course," said Paht from behind him, nodding. "Is it okay if I try anything? Maybe wake it up, down there...?"

Lard squinted, a bit suspicious. "All right," he said, slowing the words with his caution. "Just so long as it doesn't hurt, I mean."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that," Paht replied. He moved the hand he'd had on Lard Nar's stomach slowly downward, as gently as he could manage. The two traded short phrases back and forth-- Lard complaining about it tickling, Paht shifting his hand and asking for feedback... until Lard finally purred an approval.

"There we go..." Paht grinned, his hand continuing to massage around the small slit that had just opened up between Lard's legs. As the purring sound kept softly rumbling from Lard’s throat, Paht felt a nudge against his hand. He smiled, letting the pair of light-grey feelers flex out where they wished. He whispered to Lard, “How’m I doing?”

The grey Vortian arched his back against Paht, his speech beginning to slur. “ahhhgreat... don’t you dare quittit now...”

“Me? Stop already?” Paht chuckled. “You greys should learn to lighten up. Not everyone’s out to get you,” he said, idly running his fingers along the length of Lard’s squirming new tentacles. Lard uttered a soft moan at the touch...

Paht blushed, a bit surprised at how quickly his own feelers had jumped out at the sound. As he kept stroking, he added, “You know... I think this might be the first time I’ve seen one of you so...” He paused, searching for the right word. Helpless? No, that couldn’t be it. “So... not demanding to be in control.”

Impatience soured Lard’s voice. “I think you talk too much.”

Paht sighed. “Well, so much for setting the mood. I take it I don’t have to ask if you want this...?” he asked, his own feelers flexing their way up to tease around the edge of Lard’s slit. Paht pressed the tip of one of them further, haltingly slipping inside...

“Yeeessss,” Lard hissed in reply. His voice trembled somewhat, despite his best efforts to make it still seem commanding. He turned his head to rest on Paht’s shoulder, eyes rolling up in gleeful anticipation. As the two tendrils slinked in, Lard uttered a sharp yelp, his eyes bulging wide behind his goggles. The few fatigue-addled memories of his mating days back on Vort seemed less distant, just now.

The thought passed quickly. Lard felt Paht’s tentacles starting to move inside him, the muscles whirring against his thin folds with a gentle, pulsing vibration. Sounds jumped from his mouth, but other than wanting to urge his partner on, he was far too occupied to care if his cries actually meant anything.

Paht smiled, eyes closing as he steadied his balance against Lard’s twists and squirms. “Ohh...” he whispered, leaning his head closer against Lard’s horns, “You’re so nice and warm in here...” He kept his steady, fluttering pace, listening to Lard’s moans and squeaking gasps. “You like this, don’t you?”

Lard Nar’s response came as a weak cry, his body clenching tightly against Paht’s tentacles. Paht was just about to purr his appreciation when a gout of gel spurted from Lard’s widened slit. The pouchlike space Paht had been massaging within him swelled larger, filling with more of the milky lubricant the feelers’ persistent prodding had triggered... As Paht slowed his motions to a stop, Lard allowed himself a pleased sigh, relishing the new, satisfying heaviness.

Paht reached his arms around Lard's stomach, smiling contentedly as he brought him back into a cozy hug. "There... and now we know you still work all right. What did you think?"

Lard only leaned his head back against Paht, just now noticing the haze of sweat dripping down from his horns. The gentle pressure of Paht Seeyew's twin feelers could be felt sliding out partway from his own warm crevice-- making small slucking sounds, as some of his fluids were dragged along as well. The aroma coming from where they'd just met... his pulse still thudded under his skin, all his senses blazing. And to think, they hadn’t even truly mated yet!

"You didn't answer me," purred Paht. He rippled his still-embedded feelers, smirking at the grey Vortian impishly. Lard jumped at the vibration, gasping; Paht chuckled. "Sorry, but you weren't saying anything!"

Lard only uttered a "hmph" in response. He sat up far enough to disentangle Paht and himself, turning around to face the pink Vortian in a crouch. He flashed a mischievous smirk, placing his hands against Paht's shoulders, and pushed Paht back against the floor of their cell. As Lard climbed atop Paht's body, he felt his own feelers slowly begin twitching to life.

"Ah, so you'd rather try it from on top?" Paht said, a grin spreading as he felt Lard's skittery nudges from below. "No surprise, I guess. Come on, then..." Paht leaned his head back, hissing a pleased sigh as he closed his eyes.

The sudden blast of the pink Vortian's pheromones was so strong, it made Lard's horns tingle on contact. Just as his own scent exploded back in response, he heard Paht whisper, "...show me what you want...!"

Hardly noticing that he had sent the command, Lard felt his feelers sink inside Paht. He clutched his grip tighter around Paht's arms, bracing the rest of his weight between his teetering legs and the body below him. The old joys he’d so long neglected came rushing back, overwhelming him: the sweet, heady smell almost oozing from them both... hearing his mate’s voice, begging him to go faster, while he himself was relishing the sensation of squelching into that soft, warm little cave... the wet trickles of his own mating juices, dribbling their way out of him, making his twin grey whips all the slicker while pounding into his partner-- pistoning inside, then darting back, in again, back-- faster, harder, burning up--!

Niki could still be seen sketching notes down onto her clipboard, watching the proceedings with calculating indifference from outside, but by then, any logical thoughts left between the Vortians themselves had been drowned. Lard managed one last cluster of words before his mind bowed down to Pleasure’s mighty altar:

"I... want... MORE!!"

Paht yowled, clutching his muscles tight around the feelers that spasmed inside him with Lard’s every gruff thrust. The pair's spindly legs stumbled against each other, but they paid it no mind, keeping on with their frenzied rutting where they fell. Lard Nar reared his head rigid, his tongue straining from his open mouth as he tried burying himself into the slippery wetness as far as his mate would allow him.

Both Vortians felt the hot rush of Paht's liquid release bursting loose, but as Niki noted, the species' hormones seemed to act with the same cumulative force as their mental energies. The only evidence that anything had even occurred was a split-second pause where both of them gave what sounded like a startled gasp, and a runny, milky liquid that could suddenly be seen trickling down from Paht's legs to puddle on the floor. Their noisy cries returned all the louder with their thrustings mere moments later.

Niki scribbled a note about keeping the volume low when playing back the Vortian surveillance tapes, just as Lard Nar growled something incomprehensible. She watched the pair's legs slip and tumble again, as the spurted puddle grew slightly larger. Multiple ejaculations possible? she added to her notes. Niki sighed to herself. This might take a while... Well, with any hope, they probably had only a little while left to go before they'd be done completely.

Many minutes passed, though, and neither seemed to be showing signs of finishing up. She glanced over to the time shown on the video recorder nearby, feeling a bit bored. She knew some species bred for longer spans than others, sure, but the back of her mind wondered if she'd had the bad luck to get shipped the only really randy pair Planet Vort had to offer.

No, wait-- Niki perked back to attention. One of the pair had just trailed off, after a particularly high-pitched wail. She looked to the cell; Lard Nar was now wheezing, teetering from atop his snug hold on Paht Seeyew. The grey Vortian squinted at the sound of the pink's sudden quiet whimpers, then gave a tired sigh and began bucking his hips slowly, in lazy lunges. Paht soon gasped out a strained finale, squeezing his arms tighter around Lard's back before going limp. Their bodies now almost glossy from the waist down with their own swirled-together spatterings, the Vortians fell silent, save for their panting.

The doctor smiled, penning a quick check-mark along the margin on her notes. If this species was like almost every other, her work was done for the day... just keep the subjects in their holding cell until they fell asleep, then send for some guards to drag them back into their pens, and only worry about follow-up sessions until one of them was found to be carrying offspring. Information complete, problem solved, species saved, yadda yadda. She set her clipboard onto a desk nearby, then waited for the sound of snoring to come from the pair bundled together in the cell.

She was satisfied soon enough with the quiet stillness in the room to walk over to the cell's control board, preparing to set the walls back to normal again. She stopped, though, at the sound of Paht's wilting voice: "Lard Nar... I'm scared..."

Niki paused, her antennae curling forward in curiosity. As she craned her head closer, she tried to recall whether or not Vortians could cry. Paht kept talking, his words punctured with soft, wet gulps. "I don't wanna go back! I know we're just gonna wake up in those awful tiny boxes again and I can't do it... not after this, after I've finally know you're here now too, and I've-- I just can't!"

Lard sighed, hugging Paht closer. He looked off into the distance, his thoughts unreadable. "Shh, shh," he whispered. "We're both here now, at least."

The doctor put a hand to her forehead, trying to massage an oncoming headache away. Just great. So these two were going for her sympathy, huh? What would her superiors say if she just let them stay there in the main cell overnight? What if they escaped?

She looked at the pair again. They'd both lapsed into silence, making no effort to move from the puddle of their own making. The grey one had a solemn, distressed look on his face; the pink one only choked on an occasional sob...

Any non-Irkens were worth next to nothing. That's what she'd always been told, since she was just a smeet in training. These two didn’t seem too special, either, what with their huge, bloated heads and buggy little eyes, their weak little bodies propped up by those ridiculous tiny backwards-bent legs of theirs-- why, they looked more like a pair of deformed grubs, nothing to waste time worrying about. She wondered if anyone else on Irk would think Vortians even had legitimate feelings, much less knew of things like despair or hope.

...So why was she wondering to herself as if she’d already decided to help them?

Shaking her head, Niki-Miki took her hand away from the controls. She watched the cellmates until the only sounds they uttered were the faint in-out breaths of sleep. The perfect time to call in the guards and corral them away again, until next time...

After a lengthy, uneasy pause, she picked up her clipboard and walked towards the observation room's entrance. She switched the lights off, locking the doorway behind her and starting through the Massive's hallways. I am SO going to get in trouble for this if anyone finds out, she thought... and, strangely enough, Niki found she didn’t really care.

-------

It was many hours before the Vortians at last stirred and awoke to the same cell they'd fallen asleep in, solid walls and all. Niki-Miki had only come back to the room a short time ago to check on the recorder and computers; she smiled at the sound of their disbelieving whoops and cries of delight, and kept silent, simply going about her usual maintenance routine for the room.

She was almost done with her rounds when she heard one of them trail off, groaning. Turning to look at the cell, Niki saw the grey one rubbing at his stomach, grimacing slightly.

"What's wrong?" Paht asked, drawing nearer to Lard with concern.

Lard frowned, his razored teeth clenching. "I don't know. It just feels strange here, all of a sudden." He stopped, curious at how Paht Seeyew's eyes had almost popped from their sockets. "What? What is it?"

Paht only crumpled his horns down, his face paling a light pink. He shook his head dazedly, mumbling to himself, "No, that couldn't be..."

"What couldn't be?" Lard demanded, his goggles narrowing.

"Does it actually hurt, or is it more tingly-like?" asked Paht.

Lard Nar gingerly patted his stomach again, wincing at the touch. "Yes, that's it... it tingles. Why? What does that mean?"

Paht frowned before finally responding. "It might sound like a stupid question, but it’s not impossible. Did you happen to shift over to being female for a moment when we were-- well, you know, last night...?"

"Well, I can’t say it hasn’t ever happened before, not if I’d get all upset or exited about something,” Lard replied, lightly scratching at a horn in thought. “I suppose I wasn't concentrating too much on anything other than..."

Lard paused, realization slowly settling in. An eerie calm came to his face as he asked, "And our kind... wouldn't happen to feel like this so soon after mating, if we actually happened to be..."

Fidgeting, Paht replied, "Yes. The tingling feeling is from-- well, it only takes a few hours for it to embed itself inside the parent, if both male and female fluids were there to mix. Then it starts taking in nourishment, in, um. Inside where it'd be growing..." Lard nodded in understanding, so he quickly shut up.

A moment more of silence lapsed... before Lard clenched his fingers rigid in rage, screaming, "My very first time with you, and YOU KNOCKED ME UP?!"

Doctor Niki's antennae shot straight up at this surprise. Paht flinched at the volume, jumping to clamp his hand over Lard's mouth. "SHH! Quiet down! You know that's what they've been trying to find out! What if any Irkens hear you?!"

"I don't believe this... you miserable, stinking, lying pink!" Lard spat through Paht's grip, hardly muffled by his cellmate's hand. Paht took his hand away, only to have Lard Nar lunge over and start throttling Paht about the neck. As Paht flailed his hands about, trying to push Lard away, flecks of spit flew out with the grey’s agitated words: "Even if they don't know right away, what are we going to do now, huh? Just have you stand in front of me all the time when I start to show?! What if they run tests on me--?"

His voice cut off. Groaning, Lard released his grip from the gagging pink Vortian and sunk down to the floor, grasping his stomach in pain.

By the time Paht Seeyew had caught his breath again, Lard was still kneeling, shivering slightly in shock. Paht slowly approached him, bringing his hand to Lard Nar's shoulder with careful hesitation. "Lard...? I know this might be hard to take, and-- I should’ve asked about if you had troubles switching like that, beforehand, and I really, really didn't know this might happen so quickly, but..."

Lard didn't lash out at the contact. Instead, he uttered a delirious, humorless laugh, burying his head in his hands. He showed no signs of tears, but his words came out muttered and stumbling. "It probably was me. Back when I led the Resisty, I knew I’d shift every now and again, from stress, but I didn't-- I wasn't thinking at all, and--" He let out an exhausted sigh, not moving, even when Paht sat down as well and reached over to embrace him.

The silence hung in the room for so long that Niki considered tapping against the wall. In a monotone, Lard finally asked, "So what do we do now?"

"Don't know. I've given birth twice before, though, back on Vort. It only takes about a month or so for it to really start growing. Two months before there's no way you could hide the bulge... but at least by the third month it's over." Paht rested his head on Lard's shoulder. "For what it's worth, you're probably carrying the first new Vortian anyone's had for a long time."

Lard forced another staccato chuckle at this. "And here I thought I was going to save my people by hijacking ships and blowing up planets." He paused, a stoic look coming to his face. "I've got to admit, I never would've thought of trying it this way..."

"You never know. By the time our child grows up, our kind may’ve found a new place for us to escape to. We all might be free again!" Paht smiled hopefully.

"Tch. Just like a pink to think peace would come that easily," sneered Lard Nar. "Right now I'm more worried about surviving in one piece, once they find out about this."

Paht's smile disappeared. "I guess we can't do much for the moment, other than wait and hope."

"Or lie like fiends about the whole thing while we still can," Lard smirked.

As the pair fell silent once more, Niki-Miki debated how to handle this news. No way could she cover this up! Sympathy for their plight or no, studying these two was her job, after all. But perhaps... She tapped her chin in thought.

She paused as she heard the grey Vortian speak up once more, his goggles narrowing. "So, just offhand... does this mean mating is out of the question already?"

The pink one's horns curved up slyly. "No, no problems with that for another couple months. Wouldn't have to worry about more coming along if you switch by accident again, either. Not if you're already carrying."

"Really now?" Lard said, some of his gloominess disappearing. "Well, we might have to cooperate and give them something to research during the wait.”

"Sounds good to me," Paht nodded.

Lard winced. "Just... nothing rough, for now. Still feeling a bit queasy."

With that, Niki decided what to write down for her notes. With a conspiratorial smirk, she set her notepad to send a message to her superiors, then began writing.

--Setback discovered: Subjects have become more rebellious with addition of a second, grey specimen. Overheard subjects discussing methods for avoiding reproduction. Species apparently may initiate physical changes for a mock pregnancy, lasting three months but producing no offspring, effectively rendering them sterile at this time.--

--Recommendation: subjects should be kept isolated for a trial period of no more than three months, as the pair have agreed to each other to fake a pregnancy in this manner. After three months, testing may begin to attempt direct implantation, if neither has given birth.--

She signed the page with her penlaser's official stamp, then sent the message off. Sure, she was technically abusing her job's privileges, but she doubted the Empire would truly raise much of a fuss about adding one more extinct species to their pile of obliterated planets. That, and most Irkens were too disgusted by her particular field of research to bother stopping by the lab... Even progress reports sent months apart generally wouldn’t raise any eyebrows. These two would be up to three by that time anyway, by the sound of it. Maybe more, from what little she knew. She wondered if Vortians reproduced in litters.

As Niki-Miki left the observation room, she could already hear the start of soft panting and purring drifting out from the cell. She locked the door once more. Might as well let the caged birds have their fun, the doctor thought, and grinned. She always did enjoy a good romantic drama...

-------

BONUS FUN:
A comic-script version of this fanfic, written in an actual attempt at the Jhonenverse style!
You may start your screaming for joy now.

[Lard Nar and Paht Seeyew, two Vortians who both mysteriously happen to have the names of Thai noodle dishes, sit together in a big glass cage, thus allowing all the backgrounds of this comic to be as blank-looking as laziness desires. They’re staring at each other, displaying all the pep of in-laws at a zombie family reunion. With less flesh-rotting in this case, of course.]

Paht: Hmm. Looks like we’ve been captured by the Irkens and put in this cell.
Lard: Yup. And seems we have to do the nasty with each other while one of them takes notes, huh?

[We see an Irken wearing a lab coat, Niki-Miki, sitting off to the side. She waves cheerfully back at them.]

Paht: I done reckon.
Lard: All right, that takes care of all the exposition! Enough to justify any upcoming wild sex scenes, at least. You ready?
Paht: Sure, I guess. So, ever done this before?
Lard: Nope. Well, except for those times in the Resisty when I found that cone thing’s “vibrate” option...
Paht: ...what?
Lard: Oh, nothing.
Paht: Sounds good to me. Let’s get down to the nookie already! MY GROIN HUNGERS!!

[The two rip off their clothes with the speed of week-old Band-Aids peeling from sweaty, horny teenage skin. Now there’s a terrifying image if ever there was one.]

Lard: Right. [blink] ...Uh, where are our genitals, anyhow?
Paht: Well, it’s a very complicated process to reveal them, involving a bunch of backstory crammed in about our myst-TEEE-rious Vortian mating ceremonies... [wiggles fingers eerily; she’s suddenly backlit]
Lard: You’ve got thirty seconds or I start punching.
Paht: [lighting as per normal again] Damn. Well, here, lie back onto me and I’ll just fondle you for a while.
Lard: Better.

[FONDLE SOUND FONDLE SOUND]

Paht: Wow. I desperately hope size doesn’t matter to our species.
Lard: HEY!
Paht: Just feel lucky I haven’t gotten any in years. Oh well, might as well start with the squicky stuff... I suppose switching to a male form is good enough for birth control.
Lard: Ahh, the perks of being an alien race whose bodies were never really described. I feel all tingly.
Paht [Sherlock Holmes-ish ‘pondering’ pose, eyelids half lowered]: All tingly? Or all... horny?

[Textbox along the side: “At this point in the comic, imagine somebody standing over your shoulder lisping ‘wokka chikka bow boww’ porno jazz for background music. Creepy, huh?”]

[We see silhouettes of the two Vortians entwined in various naughtiness.]

Lard: Umf.
Paht: Oh yes.
Lard: Generic moaning sound!
Paht: Replying screeching sound!

[Textbox, centered: “For those in the audience still trying to get some kind of orgasmic release from the squoodgy stuff, the next panel will feature the characters replaced by anteaters dressed like 15th century Dutchmen. We do this because we care.” (smiley face)]

Lard [now as a 15th-century Dutch anteater, holding a cup of tea, or a tulip or something, I dunno]: I suspect I shall soon be “coming,” as they say in the vernacular.
Paht [him too]: How quaint! The same goes for myself as well.
Still A Dutch Anteater Lard: Shall we, then?
Still A Dutch Anteater Paht: Splendid! Let’s do.

[Textbox, centered: “You’re welcome. We now return you to the tawdry sex, already in progress.”]

[Lard grimaces blissfully from atop Paht in a doggystyle position. A liquid that looks suspiciously similar to baby diarrhea suddenly geysers out from behind the two.]

Lard: YEEEEHAW!
Paht: Oh my!

[The two look behind them at the pile of glop they’ve just dumped on the floor.]

Lard: Wow. No matter how many times you see them, Vortian mating juices are still a sight to behold, huh?
Paht: I think so too. What say we roll around in it before we go again?
Lard [clapping happily]: Ooh, ooh, only if I get to lick some off you and make loud wet sucking noises!

[Niki-Miki has turned a very sicky-looking purple by this point. Clamping a hand to her mouth, she looks on in horror as the pair’s word balloons continue over from offscreen.]

Paht, offscreen: Mmm... you animal, you! Three whole loads now, and you still want more?
Lard, offscreen: AAARGHH!! Oh yeah baby-- right in my mouth!
Paht, offscreen: Here comes another gusher!

[whatever sound effect is the most hideous for the situation goes here]

Lard, offscreen: [sounds of gargling]

[Niki-Miki slumps to the floor, eyes rolling back in their sockets from sheer disgust. Vomiting can be heard.]

[We see Lard and Paht half-covered in their pile of mystery goo.]

Lard: So. Was it good for you?
Paht: [SNOOOORE]

[Text Box, along side: “If you’re still interested in the sex by this point, you’re either severely disturbed or you are Japanese.”]

[Niki-Miki looks at the two. She seems torn.]

Niki: Hmm. I’d put them back into their cells, but that would mean picking them up... [grimace] Ehh, who am I kidding.

[She walks out of the room. Cut to a view of the whole observation room; sunlight can now be seen inside, even though there’s no windows and probably no sun viewable from where they are anyhow. Hooray for clichés!]

[Text Box, centered: “THE MORNING AFTER...”]

Lard: That’s odd. I feel like I just got through with a Pop Rocks and soda bender. [stifles a burp]
Paht: GASP! You realize what this means, don’t you?
Lard: [pauses a beat, then narrows his eyes] ...This wouldn’t involve more long-winded exposition about our culture, would it?
Paht: D’oh. Caught again.
Lard: Ten seconds, Sphinx boy.
Paht: Okay, lemme see... You wouldn’t by chance happen to have the extremely rare and previously-unmentioned problem of switching genders when you’re knocking boots, would you?
Lard: Sure, why not.
Paht: Then congratulations! You’ve just joined the seahorses in being the most fucked-up pregnant creatures in the galaxy! And, uh, sorry ‘bout that.

[Close-up on Lard, eyes huge and confused, like a kid who’s just walked into an Urotsukidoji film festival. This guy’s reality has gone POOF.]

Lard: You... you knocked me up?!
Paht: Hey, I said I was sorry! Sheesh, you’ll only have to be experimented on by our dire enemy for who knows how long. What are you so worried about?

[Cut to Niki-Miki nearby. She’s talking into a phone, only it’s all futuristic and cool-looking, this of course being alien technology from the future.]

Niki: Hello...? Guards? Leave these two alone for a while. Trust me, you don’t wanna walk in on them.
Paht: [blink] Wow. Who’d’a thunk it?
Lard: [eyes wide in sudden clarity] Now hold on! This doesn’t make any sense.
Paht: What, our captor’s sudden lack of concern over our possibly trying to escape, now that we’re going to be left together unattended in the same cell?
Lard: Well, maybe that. But I just realized: the loose attempt at a plot, all the useless backstory for a culture that’s only mentioned in one episode of the show we were on, the whole sex scene thing, and now me getting pregnant for no discernible reason? You realize what this sounds like, don’t you?
Paht: Any soap opera ever made?
Lard: NO! ...well, yeah, but still... It sounds like a fanfic plot!
Paht: [narrows eyes suspiciously] Hey, you’re right!
Lard: I’d be willing to bet some sick pervert’s been scripting our every move this whole time!

[The Vortians look around, trying to see the writer.]

Paht: Ah-HAH! I found them!

[Cut to the inside view of a dingy, badly-lit dorm room. A gerbil wearing 3-D glasses crouches over a suitably-sized keyboard and computer, both of which are unnervingly crusty-looking. The gerbil’s eyes are open wide, stupefied.]

Apricot: Guhh? ...whuh-oh.

Entire Universe: [SUDDENLY AND MESSILY IMPLODES.]