AUTHOR NOTES: First off, I gotta warn anyone who reads this: "Ill-Humoured" is a VERY twisted 'fic. If you're not comfortable with the thought of self-inflicted mutilations and/or the very idea of Nny experiencing sexual impulses, push the 'Back' button on your web-browser NOW.

For those of you still here, some chronological info: This fic takes place between Johnny's conversation with Reverend Meat (the little Bub's Burger Boy statue) about slavery and Nny's farewell to Squee, both of which took place in "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" #7. It's written from Nny's perspective.

Oh, yes: Johnny C., Reverend Meat, Devi, and all the other characters in this little literary atrocity are the property of Jhonen Vasquez. (Here's hoping he isn't going to send assassins after me if he happens to read this. I have a feeling I'm going to get enough death threats from Nny fans due to this fic as it is...)

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Ill-Humoured
by Apricot the Gerbil


i just realized then that i'd been sitting in the same room for probably almost a whole day, watching Mr. Samsa go about doing what, i suppose, bugs always do. not much had happened since after he found the crumbs on the floor from the pop-tart i'd been eating a few hours earlier. i was a little jealous that he didn't even seem to notice any taste-- just ate it as fast as it was efficient for him to do, and went back to crawling around. i was grateful for his lessons, though, and told him it was nice to see he'd followed me to this room... if there was one thing i didn't want, it was to go back to that room i'd been in before i stormed in here... didn't want to hear IT blabber on about how i was supposed to just accept biological servitude as soon as i'd managed to dispose of an only slightly less confining slavemaster.

i was worried, though, now that i remembered that new statue... as soon as i did, i found myself feeling sick again... it must be some kind of illness, because i don't remember feeling this way before-- i'd been able to ignore the discomfort a few times in the past day or so, but every time i did, it would only come back a while later, stronger than ever.

i'd felt sick like this just about-- i think it was two days ago, just a while after i'd gotten rid of that stinking impostor's corpse... he still looked so much like how ugly i had become that i couldn't stand even looking at it-- no, worse-- couldn't stand his cold, stupefied face still staring up at me, like even after he was dead, he was still under the delusion that he and I were the same person... at least, i hope it was just a delusion.

the feeling had gone away once, a while after it started, but i still wonder if it wouldn't have been better to just hold back and keep feeling sick... i didn't even like to remember what happened then-- the only reminder of the incident that followed was the different pants i had to change into-- ugh! how degrading! i didn't know why this was suddenly happening, but i suspected the statue was behind it...

either way, i had to do something soon... the pain was getting unbearable by now, and i had a frightening hunch that if i didn't do anything, the traitor that is my body would solve the matter for me, and i didn't want to repeat what had happened before...

don't think about it-- watch Mr. Samsa, he doesn't have to worry about things like that... keep looking at him... (dear lord it hurts)... no, keep your eyes open-- you're not your body's puppet, you're-- you're----

run!-- find somewhere to get rid of the poison-- through the door, there! That room where that Edgar guy was all those years ago, there's a drain there, i know there is, run run run-- almost there-- got to--- damn pants, get them off, get them OFF---

hhhh.

(don't look at it, just grab it until it's over, it'll be over soon...)

but i know it won't, this wasn't the end of it last time, i know that-- damn it, what did that fucking statue do to me?!

...and i can't do anything but listen to the poison spray out, down through the grate-- on and on. it smells awful-- why does it take so long?

hhh.... good... at least it's finished...

oh-- oh fuck no, it's happening again-- why can't i stop this?! i shouldn't have kept holding it after it stopped draining-- i should've held it with tongs or something, at least-- every time i've held it now, this starts! i didn't feel sick anymore after it stopped, why should my body need to act all strange like this after i'm not feeling sick?! god make it stop make it stop-- i can't breathe-- something this useless shouldn't be feeling as good as this does!!-- oh lord i shouldn't have looked at it, it looks like some goddamned veiny pus-filled tumor--- it's gonna happen again, i just know it...

(just rub it-- it'll get it over with, it did last time--)

but i don't want to... what if IT sees me like this? i.... hahh --ohhh...

fine, i'll hurry it up-- if it's going to happen, i can at least get it over with...

ah-- almost there--- hhhh oh god--- almost-- i'm-- ah----

*AAAWGH!!!*

and then it was done and the veins sank back down and i'm so fucking tired now-- i'm on the floor, did i fall down? i knew i was kneeling through most of it, but i didn't know i... oh i can't breathe... too hot in here-- my whole body's on fire...

****You can't deny it... Didn't that feel great?

i don't think i can lift my head up-- so tired-- but i still recognize whose voice that is.

fuck.

----what the hell did you do to me?

****Whatever do you mean, my boy?

----you know damn well what i'm talking about-- what just happened?!

****I'm a bit surprised you don't know. I believe the vernacular terms are "pissing", followed by "jacking off". If you'll pardon the crude expressions...

----why's this happening to me?

****You? Oh, you can be so funny sometimes... This is completely normal behavior. Hell, most people piss about three times a day. That toilet in your bathroom isn't meant to be just a chair, in case you didn't know. Of course, I prefer your other... newfound experience. Although I wouldn't recommend trying it too often. For having starved yourself as long as you have lately, it's no wonder you're too weak to barely move afterwards...

----but why hasn't this ever happened before?

****...snrk-- hee hee hee!

----what's so funny?

****heh heh heh... Ah, pardon. You're just so *very* amusing today. Asking why you wouldn't have to excrete anything when you were harboring a being whose purpose was absorbing excreta... At this rate, you'll probably have a heart attack when you have to get rid of the Pop-Tart you ate. Oh, there's no need to look so upset, Johnny. You're free from that wall-monstrosity for good now... see? Look at that grate next to you.

----why? there's all that spatter on it... what about it?

****Yes, "spatter" indeed... there may be a couple new colors there, but can you notice there's no red caked around the drain?

----....but... what happened to the bloodstains? i never could get that drain clean after...

****After you killed Edgar? That's all long gone, Johnny. It's all history. It's just you now... and you can do whatever you want. Heh... To think that someone who's killed hundreds without breaking a sweat would get so bent out of shape just because he's finally learned how to enjoy himself! And let me tell you, there's all sorts of fun things you can do with that organ you couldn't seem to bear touching. Oh, don't scowl like that...

----don't scowl?! why the hell shouldn't i be angry?! i'm not anywhere near freedom if i have to be chained down like this three times a day!! all these so-called "benefits" you keep babbling on about are just that many more traps i have to dodge to even consider myself "free"!

****Why do you keep thinking that these sorts of pleasures are 'traps'? That cockroach you've been staring at for all this time has urges to breed as well... Or is it?-- Yes, I'll bet that's what has you in such a muddle. Solitaire-play's got you feeling guilt issues, eh? Don't worry yourself. There's plenty of ways one can find a partner for pleasures of the flesh... and I could think even more ways to have fun with them. Want to hear some?

----if you don't shut up right now-- no. no, i've got a question for you, burger boy--

****What a rude remark. I've *got* a name, you know... although you probably wouldn't want to hear it. You can call me Reverend Meat for now, if you like, though...

----i'll call you what i want to call you. what i want to know is--what are you, anyway? if i'm so free, like you say, then why does it seem like the wall's just sent another mouthpiece for it to blather at me?

****Nothing so dramatic. I'm just the little part of your brain that still knows what pleasure feels like, whether it's from sucking down the first sweet gulp of a Brainfreezy or feeling someone wipe away the sweat from your forehead with their shirtsleeve after you've been dancing together in your favorite club for hours on end. I'm the part that was actually paying *attention* when the teachers split up the girls and boys in class, and started talking about what pleasures a human can experience using only their body... You can imagine, what with all the years you've cooped me up, that I'm *not* about to let myself disappear now that I've got a chance to teach *you!!* ...Not without a fight, anyway.

----.....i don't remember ever being in school...

****Would you believe me if I told you that you had?

----...probably not...

****Hmph. I bet you wouldn't even believe me if I told you the name of the girl who gave me to you.

----i don't care.

****You may not care about that, but I know there's still *some* lingering shreds of want inside you. In fact, I'll bet I know what was going through your mind right when you shot off a few minutes ago. It was that girl Devi, wasn't it--

----IT WAS NOT!!

****Hmm... quite an outburst there, Johnny. C'mon, admit it. She *was* quite the beautiful girl. I'll bet you'd just love to be in her arms... to be heaving along in rhythm with her, locked balls-deep inside her... hear her crying out your name as you blow your wad into her waiting-- my, how you're blushing, Johnny.

----fuck. you.

****...You just got hard again, didn't you?

----...Devi's gone... and that's best for both of us.

****If you say so... awfully shaky voice you've got there all of a sudden. But, hey, if you want to fantasize, go ahead! Here's a perfect chance for you to start exploring a whole new territory in awareness! That's what this is-- a great opportunity, not some kind of malicious trap! ...Hope you don't mind if I watch...

----i'm not doing anything, especially not in front of you... i'm not just some puppet of my own body! i control me!!

****I hate to tell you this, but there's presently a rather noticeable bulge between your legs that says quite otherwise.

i couldn't take any more of this... i stood, zipped up, and started walking away as fast as i could... i could feel there were tears on my face, and that's all the awareness i needed.

****What? Leaving already?

----i'm not gonna just sit here listening to you gloat... i'll beat you, one way or the other, eventually! i swear i will...

****Oh, I beg to differ. It's much harder to keep the promises you blurt out than you think... Why, wasn't it just a while ago you promised to... what was it? Tear your genitals off if you were aroused? The blades on this machine are as sharp as they make 'em, but I'll bet anything you wouldn't be able to go through with it.

i looked back at the device that had sprayed Edgar's blood all over the room just a few years ago. the statue was right-- the blades hadn't lost their edge since then. i began walking back, up to the machine. i figured it shouldn't be that hard for it to slice away one last offender...

i lowered the zipper and grimaced as i pulled it out again-- it's still uncomfortably tender there. i glanced back at the statue... yes, it was watching. i don't really mind this time. i'll show it who's the master of me!

stepping up to the blades... that one there looks like it's at the right angle for the job. i hold up my bothering organ-- hold it steady-- ignore the feeling, ignore it-- slowly, across the blade---

OW!!! ow ow ow pull it away!!!!

oh-- cripes that hurt worse than anything-- i look at it, i can't believe it-- i barely even nicked it! it hurts-- ohhh it hurts-- why is it bleeding so much?

gotta win this though... i can hear the statue chuckling at me, damn him and his smug grin!! gotta get over this-- hh-- can't shake the pain off, it's making me feel dizzy... but i've gotta win this battle-- freedom's the prize, and i can't afford to lose it, after all i've been through!

back up at the blade-- my hands can't stop shaking, but i try cutting again-- across the blade, and i-- it hurrrrts-- keep going, keep going! can't stop now-- aughhh--- i--

i-- i can't!

i managed one final shove on the blade, but by that point i couldn't even see straight... i remember feeling like i was falling, and suddenly there was something awful in my mouth...

...when did i? i must have fallen over again... but it was even worse this time-- everything hurt, only even more than before, like i was swimming through acid... nothing even seemed real anymore-- even more so than usual, like what i was feeling was screening out anything i could think. i coughed, and my mouth tasted like what the grate near me smelled like. i started gagging against my will-- why was there so much blood in my mouth? it felt all chunky, like rotting meat... it's dripping down my face-- oh fuck it's all over my shirt!!

i tried sitting up to clean myself off, but my body didn't respond. Somehow, it didn't seem strange that when i actually got my eyes to focus, all i could see around me was blood on the floor-- new blood this time, i guess from where i'd cut myself-- and i sighed, and felt like curling up in this dark little room and just crying forever. i couldn't win-- not even against my own damn body-- and if i felt this horrible after only trying to act against it, who knows what could happen if i dared to try again?

NO-- i can't believe i'm hearing myself think this!

but then the hurting got so bad i couldn't think at all...

...and i woke up, stuck in thick, drying puddles of my own awful-smelling blood and puke-- i thought for a while that i'd woken up in hell, a real hell this time, one that didn't need any devil other than my own flesh!

the statue was still there, still grinning. i suddenly noticed it was drooling-- i tried to remember, could that statue drool before? this wasn't still just a dream, was it?

to hell with it- i didn't care.

all i knew was that i had to get out of here.

it took a lot longer than it should have, i think, but i finally managed to pull myself up from the floor and just stare at the mess i'd made, all just for transgressing my own body's will. there was a creepy deja-vu feeling about all this, but i couldn't recall why. then again, i still felt like an open sore, which probably didn't help matters any.

but i eventually reached the door and left the room. the statue got all whiny-voiced and asked where i was going. i told it i was going out-- away from this place.

'You can walk away from me, but the only way you can avoid what I stand for is if you were to tear the very senses from your flesh-- and there's so much more to feel out there!' i could hear it say, but i told it that i may not be able to tear my senses out, but it wasn't going to help my condition if i stayed in this house cooped up with IT...

'You'll be back,' it only said.

but after i cleaned up, found some bandages, and changed clothes, there was only one thing on my mind... i wasn't going to stay trapped in this house for a good, long time. at least, not until i figured out just what the hell was going on.

well, that, and the thought that i should probably see if there was a hospital in this town... hmm. i'd never bothered to check before. i wasn't fond of the thought of all the questions i might get asked at such a place, but i noticed that there was still a tiny trail of red droplets following me wherever i walked. if anybody would know how much blood it was unhealthy for a person to lose, i guess it would be me.

besides, if i had to deal with another go at life, i suppose i should at least try to last longer than a week.

i didn't bother looking back as i left my house, but i stopped as i walked past Squeegee's place...

...and figured i had someone i should talk to before i left.


**the end**