If it's out of character, I should remind that I've only read the manga, and as of this writing only the first three volumes have been released.
Saiyuki characters et cetera © and ™ Kazuya Minekura, ENIX and TV Tokyo, 1997. Used without permission, for nonprofit fan appreciation.
The views expressed in this fanfic do not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone except me.
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Worry Rock
For a moment there, just for a little while, it was
enough to lie and listen to his heartbeat.
But then it passed, and Yaone pushed herself off
the bed, in a bid to escape the lure of warmth before it caused more problems.
Hakkai wasn't asleep, of course; he never fell asleep
right after intercourse, unlike the other men she had been with.
Now Yaone wondered if this were so much to Hakkai's
credit. The way he watched her with simple, pleasant contentment, eyes
half-lidded and blank, and that smile. And the conversation, well,
while not up to his usual standard, was still far too sobering for her
in the aftermath.
He lay there, reclined against the sheets and tousled
pillows, and made no effort to get up and dress with her. He didn't need
to. It was his hotel room, after all. It would've been far too dangerous
to ever try this back at her group's base of operations, but at least in
the midst of enemy territory Yaone could be halfway assured her adversaries
would be easy-going if they ever found out. Not that they ever would, now.
"We have to end this," she said, pulling on her
bikini bottom, plasticky nylon snapping painfully on her hips. A total
reversal of the sensuality she had put in taking them off less than an
hour before. She rushed to strap her bra on, criss-crossed chains digging
into skin thankfully not marked up as it had been after some of their previous
outings. She'd asked that he be careful and spare her the odd looks from
her comrades. No point in that now. No point.
Hakkai moved only his head to get a better look
at her. "Why?"
There was no pleading. Just a simple inquiry.
"Because..." she began, shaking her head while she
herself tried to reconcile the answer with herself. "Because I'm sick of
this."
Couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't keep up the act,
couldn't stifle out that part of her heart that was never going to be content
here. Couldn't rationalize with herself that it all wasn't just a way to
forget--
Not when the person taking her was only making it
worse--
"It's my fault," she went on bitterly, not meeting
his gaze. "I should have known, should really have known this wasn't going
to work."
"What do you mean?"
Again so calmly. And with that smile. He never stopped
smiling. It rendered the very concept of happiness insincere.
Polite, concerned little smile, like he'd upset
a child and was wondering if a lollipop would make it all better. Some
small generosity to ameliorate. Like it could help anything.
Yaone emitted something almost approaching a growl,
as she swung her vestment on, not even bothering with the chains to her
stockings. She didn't even bother to fix her hair.
"I mean-- it's like there's no point, trying to
get through to you. It's just I really should have known, you and that--
well-- all three of them!" She waved a hand in vague fury. Didn't
want to even think about the specifics. "You love them all so much."
So often, too.
And far more vocally.
Hell, and the bruises she saw the next day--
She would not cry. She wouldn't. This
is what she told herself, knotting her midsection sash up so messily even
though she knew it would just mean having to redo it later.
And wasn't it all, really, just displacing other
things?
Back home she could almost accept when... he...
was asked to be a bit more 'actively involved' in persuading some incredibly
stunning, but stubborn, foreign dignitary. It was less acceptable on the
road when the occasional enrapturing peasant girl would do just as well.
And then, now and again, even Dokugakuji..! And meanwhile, she--
Was she such a nonissue to him?
Did she mean anything to anyone?
"I just can't compete," she finished, more lamely
than she would have hoped, but not caring. Not even remembering what half
of her problem she was saying this to. Maybe both.
She felt sick. She almost wondered if there were
anything more that could be said, anything that could possibly make this
conversation even worse, even more acidic, bilious and so full of...
...No words. No words for it.
Almost belatedly Yaone realized that silence had
fallen in, and that she wasn't sure if Hakkai had responded while she was
lost in her thoughts, or had chosen to leave her last remark unchallenged.
But she wouldn't meet his gaze, though she knew
he was looking at her.
And she couldn't back down now.
When he spoke, it was such a foreign sound that
her ears twinged. And the voice, though calm and passive, had an emotion
to it she had never encountered before.
"Who's trying to compete?" Hakkai asked.
Before she could steel herself against it she had
lifted her gaze to him. And nearly froze as she saw she could recognize
the expression on his face, had seen it every time she had come to visit
him late at night, but for the first time understood it with a new connotation.
So that was how it was.
end
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finished at: 16:47 01 September, 2004
~K.A. Rose
back to karose.com > Literature > Saiyuki
'Nother sentimental argument and bitter love
Fucked without a kiss again
Dragged it through the mud
Yelling at brick walls
And punching windows made of stone
The worry rock has turned to dust
Fallen on our pride
A knocked down, dragged out fight
Fat lips and open wounds
Another wasted night
And no one will take the fall
Where do we go from here
And what did you do with the directions?
Promise me no dead-end streets
And I'll guarantee we'll have the road
--Green Day